I am wondering what the word, “lonely” means to all of you? For me, it takes much more of a surreal meaning. It breeds feelings of emotional pain, anxiety, and desperation. I am sure you are saying you feel these things as well. So, let me enlighten you as to what I am really talking about.
There was a time when I would get to feeling lonely, I would simply find family or a friend to talk to. I would go to their house, call them on the phone, or sometimes they would just show up. I was with people I greatly cared for. All of those feelings would slip away into some place in the back of my mind. Just waiting for the next opportunity to present themselves. Keeping in mind, the internet was not as prevalent in our society when I was a free man as it is now. Social media was in its infancy. From what I can tell, social media has not helped us build our social skills. A cold computer screen does not convey things like, tone of voice, facial and body expressions, or other body language that can express so much more than any written word can. That is another subject I suppose.
Anyway, I am in prison now. When I get to feeling those pangs of loneliness, there is no way to escape them. The people around you are not your friends. They will prove that to you at the first opportunity. They will throw you under the bus, or sell you out as soon as the situation is beneficial to them. You can not tell them anything personal. It will be used against you. Your biggest concerns and secrets must be closely guarded. Emotions are signs of weakness. Shed a tear for others to see, and the predators come out from every corner. I can not remember the last time I had the chance to show someone who I really am. I do not remember the last time I felt comfortable enough with someone I could just open up to them, and say whatever is on my mind. I would never have believed that feeling lonely would eventually condition me to close myself off to others.
You see, when I get to feeling lonely, I can not just reach out to people. There are specific times I can call home, and those are not always convenient for the people I am calling. Never mind the cost associated with contacting loved ones from prison. I can not just Skype or get a video visit whenever I want one. Everything must be scheduled. Worse still is the fact that all of my communications are monitored. That includes this posting. I have to be mindful of what I am saying so my “privileges” of staying in contact with loved ones does not get taken away. Although, I have a tendency to say some things anyway. Bob has warned me on several occasions as to what I am saying. I get tired of kowtowing to these people. I should never have to fear speaking the truth. Nevertheless, these people will use every little thing you say against you, and completely out of context in which it used in the first place.
Loneliness breeds loneliness in prison. It creates distrust, anxiety, and depression. It really wears on your confidence. Not just the confidence in yourself, but also the confidence in your relationships, and your confidence in your communications with others. I guess social media does less in destroying a persons ability to interact with society than does prison. It leaves inmates socially awkward at best. A social pariah at its worst.
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Thinking of you. There should not be such places as prisons. When I was in Sweden in 1971 the prisons there were like camp and open. This country should be ashame of how they treat human beings and a system that is dehumanizing.