Have you ever found yourself in a position where you were forced to do something that you not only did not want to do, but every fiber of your being tells you to resist and fight what is happening to you? I would say to you, others have had to do this on a scale you may never be able to conceive.
At one point, I found myself being arrested for a crime I knew I did not commit. I had to convince myself that the system works, and any resistance I gave toward the circumstances would likely only make things worse. I sat in jail, as the court proceedings carried on, still wanting to resist, and waiting to learn my fate. I was convicted, and all I wanted to do is fight to prove my innocence and regain my freedom. After the conviction, much of the next few weeks were a haze. I do not even remember the sentencing hearing. It was as though I woke up to a nightmare already in progress when I found myself sitting in a holding cell meant to hold 5-10 people. However, there were about 35 men in this cell.
They had given us these boxes so we could send home the personal belongings we were wearing and had on us at the time of our arrest. I remember writing a note to my Mother on the inside flap of the box. The other men around me saw me do this, and they all started writing notes to their loved ones. I still wanted to resist and fight.
I kept telling myself that if I were to fight against these people holding me, it would only make things worse as I continued to work on proving my innocence. I just wanted to be free from this nightmare, but a thought came to me that said, “Shane, you just have to do this.” I was scared out of my mind. The uncertainty of this new experience, and the fact I was now convicted of raping my own daughter. God only knew what was in store for me, but I had to do what was required of me. Everyone knows how child molesters are treated in prison, and here I am forced to enter this environment under those conditions and knowing I am actually innocent. None of which would matter to anyone but me and my family.
Over the years, I saw the strength my Mother had in uncertain times. I do not think anything I did would be considered brave. I still think it is something I needed to go through. So, I just followed my Mother’s example. I stood up and stepped forward. I have been doing this for 25 years now. The fear, uncertainty, and anger have become a part of my everyday life. It is hard to remember what it was to live without those things so very present everyday. The toll it takes on your confidence, your trust in others, and how you view the world is more than anyone should have to pay.
I am a social pariah to everyone (staff and inmate alike) in prison. The vast majority do not care about my claims of innocence. Even if they would be willing to look at the evidence, their first response is usually something like,”You had to do something to get all of that time.” It really is a no win scenario.
Many people can identify with the idea of having to do something they would never want to do. I say to you, think about what it would be like to be forced to go to prison knowing you are innocent. Think about what it would be like to go to prison for raping a child, not only knowing you are innocent, but to know no such crime had ever occurred. Then, think about what it must be like to be forced to live in such conditions for 25 years.
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