For the most part, I have always maintained a positive outlook on life. Sure, I get depressed, sad, tired, and any of the other bad feelings. Yet, they rarely show themselves in my demeanor. To some degree, I just do not wear my heart on my sleeve. I tend to rely on reason and logic, and less on feelings. I find I do not get into trouble when I attempt to remove my feelings from the things I deal with daily. Today, I am just feeling tired.
I am tired of the loneliness, despair, and disappointment this place breeds. Do not get me wrong. I do have friends and family who stay in touch with me daily. Nevertheless, that is not the same as having a girlfriend or wife who is standing by your side. I cannot have the same conversations with friends and family I would with that special someone. I see plenty of men who have been incarcerated as long as I have, and they have girlfriends and wives. I wish you could see their faces when they talk about them. They really light up.
I have noticed that when you are charged with the crimes I have been, people treat you like you are less than human. Who wants to spend time getting to know a person who has committed crimes against a child? I explain I am innocent and attempt to show the evidence. They just do not want to waste their time. Especially when the grand prize is a friendship or intimate relationship with someone like that. I cannot win.
It does not help that the whole of society acts this way. I am not found of people who harm children. Yet, my experience tells me, I cannot say who those people might be. I have been convicted of just such a crime, and there has never been any kind of evidence to suggest a crime occurred. Let alone the idea I am guilty. I have no doubt, that when you meet me, you would never guess I have been convicted of such a crime, much less being capable of committing it.
I may have an easier time meeting and getting to know people once I get out. Maybe. That does not help what I go through in here, and now. I would never ask anyone to simply believe what I tell them. Rather, I would ask that they compare what I say to the documents that prove what I am saying. I would suggest that you do this with everyone who has been accused of committing such a crime, and who claims actual innocence. Look at the proof. Then, ask yourself, “how is it possible that so many innocent people are in prison?”. Going even further, ask yourself how many of them are dealing with the same loneliness, despair, and disappointment I mentioned. Being in places like these can leave a person with a broken spirit among other things.
What a wonderful person you are Shane! You have the hardest row to hoe, but your spirit seems intact. Keep it up and one day I hope to meet you on the outside.
Best,
Gil